By Cary Harrison
American pharmaceutical advertising excels at remedies for erectile dysfunction, politely referred to on television as E.D. We have Cialis and Viagra, Levitra and Stendra. What we don’t have is the “Caribbean Cure”, often available near your quietly docked Caribbean cruise ship. And while this “cure” seems to maintain and even embolden a wobbly or skittish erection, it may not be for everyone. And everyone clearly doesn’t know about it… yet.
You see, the cruise crew buy this (illegal in the USA) “black stone “cure across the Caribbean, where centuries of use have made men like lions when once they were mere timid dribblers. Never having heard of this male sexual performance enhancer, I was skeptical; for surely if such a thing were to exist, big Pharma would certainly have a “Cialis Black” on the market. Imagine dilating the penile capillaries while simultaneously desensitizing the hardened encasement. This would be the Pharma stock of the decade. An Obama-era legacy to trump Trump’s unfolding purported sexual conquests. But there is no such “cure”… officially, anyway.
In fine maritime tradition, there is always practical wisdom from our seafaring friends. Unlike the passengers, the crew picked up tricks and life hacks which generally fall unnoticed, as do the thousands of male crew after 10 PM. They all vanish into the midsection of the ship which contains modest crew cabins: four bunks to a 300 square-foot cabin. In those tight confines, the wisdom of the world is freely exchanged in traditional male camaraderie.
My cabin steward, Bosco, shared this mystical male arousal remedy with me after I observed the crew sneaking back aboard around 2:30 am during an overnight port stay in the Dominican Republic. Their expressions were sloppy with smug looks of satisfaction.
Bosco asked for my professional assessment of what he called his “black stone”. He unfurled his fingers, exposing a half-inch, pumice-looking square object. This small square, resembling a tiny piece of rotten fudge, was the result of a compressed island tree sap and poisonous Bufo toad venom. The centuries-old male enhancement stone has been used by Caribbean Islanders and British sailors since the slave-trading days when the recipe is said to have come from an analogous source in Africa. While the exact tree from which the sap is derived remains an unspecified species, the toad venom has some public history.
Neighboring Florida has seen recent outbreaks of what they call “Bufo Toad Season”. From Miami to Tampa Bay, authorities have cautioned pet owners to be wary of giant poisonous toads, weighing in at more than 2 pounds. As comical as that sounds, their “porata” neck glands manufacture and secrete a poison so pernicious that it will turn a sniffing dog’s gums brick red, cause wild salivation and heart arrhythmia, and toss poor Fido into paralytic seizures.
And it is this numbing venom that performs the magical trick as a penile performance enhancer (or PPE) – in small amounts. The tree sap acts as the molasses to glue together this perverse pancake of parturient possibility.
– According to our man, Bosco, you first retract your foreskin. (I guess this leaves me out of the equation). You then gently rub the stone upon your glistening glans for 10 seconds.
– Within 10 to 15 minutes, what used to feel like a penis now feels like a boiled hot dog. External sensation is reduced to nil with a sort of tingling numbness that he says is actually erotic and could be termed, medically, as a “playful erection”.
– He severely cautions patience and says the 10-second treatment is the limit and that the impatient dilettante may risk a swollen, bright red phallus as a result of the non-immediate results following the stone’s initial application. The phallus could, theoretically, mimic the pink missile-like tone of an eroticized springer spaniel in mid-April. Further, the glans (head) of the penis is a mucous membrane and, as such, will rapidly absorb anything rubbed into it, right into the bloodstream, dosage be damned. In that region of the body, only a suppository is quicker.
– And that leads us to the next caution. Ingestion of this aphrodisiac – whether by mouth or rump – will be curtains. UC Irvine, in conservative Orange County California, issued a health warning against the use of this illegal Black Stone. The publication’s location and warning may be more revealing about the demographics of the users than intended for the purpose of this travel article. Nevertheless, turns out, a 39-year-old New York man ate or fanny-thrust the small cube and mimicked our poor seizing, salivating Shih Tzu all the way to the finish line. As there is no proper dose for eating this business or introducing it up one’s backside, best to adhere to Bosco’s simple 10-second tried-and-true topical method.
(Bosco observed that only an American would actually eat this foul cube as he simultaneously noted how several trays of brownies are routinely inhaled off the cruise buffet, typically within 15 minutes of their delivery.)
eBay lists the non-FDA approved, illegal cubes at around $39 per. The item can last several months’ repeated application while ensuring you will last “up to four hours”. It’s worthy of mention that a four-hour boner is considered a priapism and is classified as a medical emergency. Common treatments often include aspirating – or draining the blood from what, at that point, clearly resembles an angry rhubarb.
But, what of women? According to a recent survey by Guardian US Data, only 62% of women actually achieve orgasm through their male counterparts, so numbing and paralysis would clearly be disastrously counterproductive.
(Remarkably in the same survey, 75% of women sleeping with other women say they orgasm). Additionally, cruise ships generally sport an all-male crew, fastidiously segregated from an almost non-existent female upstairs wait staff.
US companies tend to employ people from former US territories or colonies (Philippines). Likewise, UK shipping lines prefer the same model (India). And it was on this UK-based cruise line where the Crown’s well-known nautical curiosities found their way into this story — a maritime wisdom made historically famous by oceans speckled with British seamen.